Empty Kisses
by PurpleSkies.123
Summary: I remember when I had it all. The perfect hair, the perfect grades, the perfect friends, family; boyfriend. And though it was embedded firmly into my mind, I remember even more clearly, when everything fell apart. BxE All human.
1. Prolouge

_**A/N: I put up All For Her, to see how many reviews it would get, and now I'm posting this to get a feel of who likes what and what I should keep and what not.**_

_**Let me know what you think!(;**_

**~Summary~**

_I remember when I had it all. The perfect hair, the perfect grades, the perfect friends, family; boyfriend. And though it was embedded firmly into my mind, I remembered even more clearly when everything fell apart._

_PROLOGUE_

When I was two, I raced my brother Travis around the house until we both came back with bloodied, scraped up knees, and grass-stained clothing.

Travis was autistic, so even though he was 6, his mind was still of a two year old. In those years, it was like having a best friend to have sleepovers with every night. Some nights, I would sleep in his room and he would play checkers and card games until I fell asleep on the board; and Travis would follow.

As I got older, hanging out with Travis became more of a chore, because while he was still a two year old, I was rapidly maturing. I resented him because of the attention he got. I resented him because he followed me at school. I resented him because kids made fun of him sometimes, and we were a package deal. In the mindset of an eleven year old girl, I hated him.

Travis Michael Swan died April 19, 2004. All accidental; drunk driver. If anything that I could remember that night was bright lights and screaming, fortunately.

My mother took me to see several shrinks thinking that I was somehow hurt but I wasn't. I was fine. I moved on like the car accident was involving a third cousin I'd never met before as opposed to it being my brother. I continued with my life with Him and His family. I was 'cool' now. I was on top. I had everything I needed, everything I wanted. But nothing stays perfect forever.

Have you ever felt so displaced? Like, some evil being dropped you in a mass of people you didn't know or disliked, and you felt awkward?

Flashes went off around me as I hastily made my way around the small room. Kids ran around, some being shy and tugging gently on their parents pants to sway the attention toward them. My fellow classmates all hugged and cried, signing things they'd never see again, saying things they don't mean, and changing from their nice dresses into party outfits to go 'celebrate', which in terms of a teenager means smoking pot and drinking beer.

Today was Graduation Day for Forks High Class of 2010..

Another excuse to get drunk, another excuse to have sex with that 'special one' for the very last time, and another excuse to cry; the joys of the wannabe everlasting teenager. I rubbed my shoulders through the silky blue robe internally cursing the now, 'ex', principal.

The summer winds slid through my gown and into my strapless dress I was forced into, making chills dribble achingly down my back, to my legs, and down to me heel clad, peep-toed, feet.

I saw him and his family, dancing around excitedly taking pictures and laughing. My stomach churned and I wanted to throw up. As I tried to discreetly walk away, my dad gave me a clap on the back.

"Good job, Kiddo," he murmured. I winced as the family turned to me, His eyes met mine, He frowned and turned around. I felt chalk dust in my mouth...

"Thanks," I scrambled out. He nodded and looked over my shoulder. He saw something he liked, and his eyes lit up.

"Why don't you go take pictures with you're friends over there?" He moved closer and I pushed on his chest.

Panic bubbled through my finger tips as I pushed him away, "No...dad. Their, uh...taking pictures with Esme and Carlisle and you know that that's a family thing. I was kind of hoping we could do our own family thing," I told him nervously. My voice shook despite my efforts to relax because my body knew I was dancing in dangerous territory.

He averted his gaze from them and onto me, suspiciously. "Sides' I already took about 100 pictures with them because Alice, well Alice."

He chuckled and set his hand on my lower back, guiding my away from the family, "How come she doesn't come around anymore?"

I flinched and hurried my pace, "Don't know dad; don't know."

_**Later on that evening...**_

I scooped up the overcooked spaghetti on my plate, twisting and twirling it with the bright silver fork that clanged against the glass in rhythm.

Cling, cling.

"How's college things goin'?"

Cling, cling.

"Same old," I muttered.

"What college is Edward going to?"

Cling, cling.

"I don't know dad." He gaped at me as a chuckle rumbled up from his stomach, which sounded vaguely more like a dog choking than my father. I tried to push thoughts of him and my ongoing story about my make-believe life to the back of my head.

The more you think about it, the more it shows on your expression.

"How do you not know where your boyfriend of 6 years is going?"

_Cling, cling._

"Talking about it makes things awkward. I don't want to know where he's going if it's not going to be with me," I noted carefully. He raised his eyebrows, opened his mouth and shoved another mouthful of pasta in.

"I liked that kid. How come you never bring him around either?"

Cling.

"Dad, we were really set on spending _alone_ time together."

Silence.

"He really got along well with Travis."

Clank!

I slammed my fork down on the plate, looking him dead-on in the eye; not blinking.

I wanted to scream and yell, but as I opened my mouth, I choked on nothing but thick sauce-smelling air that burned my throat. He looked taken aback, eyes wide and brown, mirroring my own.

_He did get along with Travis. He loved Travis more than I did._ My brain leapt into overdrive. It was going to fast to function and I wondered if I would pass out.

I turned sharply, pulling my shield over, and closing my eyes tight.

"Yeah, he did."

I stood tersely, turning my back to him, "All done."

He clamped down his teeth on another mouthful, as oblivious as ever. "Sarah wants us to go with her to take the kids boating."

_The kids._

"I don't know dad, I might have plans."

He looked in confusion, furrowing his eyebrows as if he didn't know what I was saying.

"Drop them. Do you not understand, that this will be the few last family events we will have?" I mentally unsealed my lips, ready for another lashing.

"In case you're misunderstood, family includes my mother and my brother. Neither of which are here right now. So maybe you've got some sort of memory loss, but we haven't had a ," I held my hand up for quotations, "Family event, in years!"

The bitter Bella was back, _her _cold blood was coursing through my veins and _she _didn't want to keep quiet anymore.

He stood, the familiar red coloring his face, "Well, they aren't coming back," I flinched as he spoke eerily calm, "So you better make good use of what you have. Goodnight Isabella."

Did he do this on purpose? To get me riled up for nothing. I wanted to scream. I was a fuck up, and I wanted the entire world to know.

But Bella Swan, the same Bella Swan that ran around the house with Travis, the same Bella Swan that used to be a cheerleader, the Bella Swan that had too many friends to count, the Bella Swan that had Edward Cullen on her arm and overdosed in 7th grade, sealed her lips, and walked up stairs.

_**Let me know what you think! Review!**_


	2. Dorito Friends

_**A/N: I've got to give a great big S/O to all of you who favorite-d this. I'm glad you like it, because I really like writing it. Also, **_

_**cloethedragoness & **_

_**Yaris. Vamp **_

_**for reviewing because it means the world. Thaanks(:**_

_Dorito Friends_

I had no other choice.

Sand squished under my toes, the weight of the shoes I was holding and myself thrusting me further into the soft, weak, brown crystals. I walked toward a lonesome tree, grabbing a branch near ground level and swung around it before plopping down.

This part wasn't in the manual they gave for: Graduating Seniors.

No one told us how to live our summers, or what to do, or how to act before we left away to college. If they did, it surely wouldn't account toward me. I couldn't hang out with friends, because the only friend I did have is gone away to babysit her summer away. And I would stand at La Push beach all alone while other groups of friends sat around a campfire, reminiscing on the goodness of High School. And maybe if I had some guts, I would join them. They wouldn't openly reject me for sure. But while they talked and laughed I would be grimacing the entire time.

"Excuse me?" I heard a soft, velvety, very recognizable voice whisper meekly. I turned to face him, my own face a dark red. My throat closed and my eyes widened as I took in his figure, "I need to get by."

I moved over, letting him move through me, an electric current pulsing toward us. I plopped down to the floor, squeezing the sand in my hands in frustration. I laid down, not caring about the quality of my hair.

I had nobody to impress.

"Watch out!"

Crash.

"Ow," I muttered darkly; just my luck.

"Gosh, I'm really sorry!" I heard a bright voice chime. A dark ball of nothing but hair fled toward me grabbing the red disk she'd thrown quite violently at my head.

"I hope this things alright. It's supposed to be this, "Super Fly Disk of Fun". I got it on one of those TV things, best 19.95 of my life..."

I resisted the urge to scoff.

"Get up," she told me. I propped myself up on my forearms and squinted at her. She opened her hazel eyes deep up at me, in shock. "You either have a really bad case of dandruff, or you're an imbecile. Either way you're fucked."

I stood up dusting the sand off my jeans and grabbing at my shoes, embarrassed.

"Do you speak? You look sorta pale," she squinted at me questioningly, "What? Are you, albino? I don't speak that, I took French but I'm sure-"

"No I'm not albino, thank you very much. And I'm sure I speak English very clearly, probably even clearer than you who thinks that being albino means you have your own language."

"So she speaks. And she's feisty too! This is fun. Whats your ID?" I turned at her in annoyance, her small button nose stood pointedly in the air and her bow lips were tightened in a smirk.

"Bella," I told her. I scampered around in my spot before turning to her, "What's your...ID?" 

"What am I? Buying liquor?"

"You just asked me the same question..."

"Yeah? Well I didn't say it all awkward and shit like I never asked before."

"But I haven't!"

She rolled her eyes at me and threw an arm over my shoulders. She shook her head,"Exactly my point, _Bella_," her emphasis on my name made me cringe; like I was being scolded, "Why change the order of things. You do you, and I do me, my fellow amigo. If your even going to _attempt _to be me, at least act natural." 

"Natural?"

"Ah, chickadee," she muttered.

I pushed her off me and scowled, "Who are you?"

"Abby, says so on the certificate of birth." I sighed and rolled my eyes at her childish antics.

"Just how old are you?"

"What is this? Twenty questions?" She looked around and looked at me in mock secrecy, "Is this about who trashed the Atearas' yard? Cause' if it is, I was helping my brother pick up donuts."

I squinted at her and bit my lip in anger; was she intentionally trying to make me angry too?

"What? No. Just go..." I sputtered, "And, be _you _ and I'll be whatever I am."

She frowned and then lifted her eyebrows, "Hey you want to go down there? View's wicked." She pointed her black fingernail down toward the bottom of the cliff.

"No."

"Why? Whatever, we could just chill at my place, eat Doritos. I'm pretty sure I have Gilmore Girls recorded. Ever watch it? Pretty cool. Way better than that Jersey Heights bullshit."

"No." 

"Wanna play with this?" She held up that annoyingly bright red disk, waving it in front of my face daintily.

I sighed in annoyance, "No!"

She looked confused.

"I'm sure you mean well, but I don't know you, I don't want to know you and I don't want to hang out with you. At all." I turned on my heel to get out of here as soon as I could. My breathing was labored from my slight rant and my fists were clenching and unclenching rapidly.

Now I knew how Squidward felt.

"My name is Abigail Lynn Carter. My age is 17 and growing. My birthday is on July 9. This fall, I'm going to the University of Phoenix to study arts; hopefully not the art of getting high like this year.

I like to jerk. I eat Doritos," I turned to face her, not very annoyed for the first time in the whole few minutes I met her.

"Now, the only question is," she grabbed my arm and pulled me toward her, "Do you want to eat Doritos in Abigails' basement with her little brothers pounding on the door. I'll probably bring down some fruit snacks. And pickles."

I chuckled at her enthusiasm and opened up my dingy flip phone.

_3:45_

What else do I have to do today?

I cleared my throat, "Lets go. Do you have the Ranch kind?"

She bellowed out a laugh that echoed on the cliff, "Do I have 'The Ranch kind' she says! Sweetheart, I'm home to all things Dorito. Maybe, if we get along real tight like Loralei and her daughter, I might let you see my Dorito hat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XOXO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Bird and The Worm," she 'hmmed' onto the tip of her pickle, before crunching it into her mouth, "Is that supposed to be sexual?"

I frowned and furrowed my eyebrows at her, "No. What on earth? What is wrong with you?"

"Many things. Come on. You've never had the 'Bird and the Worm Talk'?" she said seriously. I looked at her in disbelief and steadied myself.

"No, I haven't. But yes, I have had the Bird and the Bees talk, if that's your referring to." I placed my sock covered feet onto the old coffee table staring at the screen intently.

"Ever fucked it up then?" I looked at her in confusion and she gaped at me, "Let him in? Be the bee? Get it in? Get the lovin'? Got all sexed up?"

"No."

"You haven't been popped yet? Well fuck. Have you even gotten a buzz?"

"Would you stop talking like that?" I turned around and rubbed my shoulders at the coldness of the basement, "It's freaking me out."

"You know whats freaking me out? The fact you haven't ever been properly laid."

"Stop saying it so..crudely."

"Stop acting all," she paused as she searched for a proper word, "_prudely._"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XOXO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was fifteen, I had my first kiss. It was flawless. It was like, fairytales all jumbled together into one big major finale of Disney.

I had been saving my first kiss. I literally ran out the room at spin the bottle when it landed on Yorkie. I kicked Newton in the balls and I punched Black in the jaw.

I wanted something special. Not sloppy, or raw and disgusting. I wanted something spontaneous, real and unplanned.

I was so close to losing it with my boyfriend Aron when I was 10. But then, he said his fantasy was something romantic...on our neighbors trampoline.

With him, it was amazingly perfect, and wonderful and we were in love. I wonder, even though everything had happened, why that didn't account for anything anymore.

"Bells?"

I hummed in response.

"Sarah tomorrow."

No. No. I did not want to go to Sarahs'. I didn't like Sarah. House-wrecking whore. It's funny, when your dad cheats on your mom, you don't expect them to try and actually build a relationship with the slut.

I hummed again.

I shook out my vibrating phone from my pocket.

_1 new message_

_Whats craackin goood lookiin?_

_D0r!toMonster_

I threw my phone down. Did she have no other friends?

_Did I?_

I reached my hand under my bed to search for my phone. My hand grasped some cloth bound book weighing possibly more than I do.

I studied the cover intently for a few minutes, throwing it up onto my bed, hearing the springs creak.

No title, no pain.

I opened the page slowly, feeling the thickness of the paper.

Travis was good-looking with my mothers bright blue eyes and dads brown hair. Spitting image of mom. I frowned as I flipped through the various pictures, my head spinning.

Travis.

I bit my lip to fight back tears.

I flipped the page and let the tears wet up the paper. He stood, arms held loosely around Travis' neck, laughing and joking around. I remember it was the fourth of July. I was pissed, Travis had swayed the attention of my boyfriend. He slipped around in his socks, making a fool of himself. But he..._Edward_ wanted me to come with him to make fools with him.

Edward taught me how to love him.

Edward taught me how to love.

And it all swiped away from me in one night. It wasn't fair. Why do bad things happen to people that are already shitty enough? Why do I never catch a break? When do I get my happily ever after?

_Vibrate._

No.

_Vibrate._

"Hello?"

"Are you avoiding me?"

"Yes."

"Well, at least the chicks honest."

"Honesty? I can show you honesty. I want you to stop calling me and texting me incessantly."

"Lies. You love this attention. It makes you feel like you've been fucked before."

"That makes zero sense." 

"You make no sense."

"Goodbye."

"Wait!"

I sighed, flinching at Abbys' yelp and hummed.

"What college are you going to?"

I bit my lip, and looked down at the scrapbook. I threw it down under my bed with a thud.

"Undecided," I told her. And then I hung up.

_**So yes, I know its short! But, I really, really just wanted to introduce Abby in her own way, and Abby's just so energetic, I could not just fit her into Bella's depressing thoughts last chapter. No worries, I'm already working on the next one(;**_


	3. What is Blackmail, Without a Clue?

_**Thank you so much for those who have put me on alert. I also want to thank again, my very faithful reviewer cloethedragoness, because I just feel like making someone feel loved again, again and again.(:**_

_**Also, I'd like to thank my two other reviewers:**_

_**TigerWolfPup and DizzyIzzyCullen**_

_**Your positive feedback is what persuades me to write.**_

_**Since I never mentioned it before:**_

_**I don't own Twilight and never will. Please don't ask me about it again; it tends to upset me.(:**_

**Chapter 2: What is Blackmail, Without a Clue?**

I slowly took my time, walking carefully down the old wooden steps. I heard a chuckle, a giggle and then a full-on belly laugh as I entered.

The gutsy blonde held her tanned hand in my fathers as he scuffled down some eggs. He caught my eye and threw down his fork, patting my shoulder gently.

"Want some?" he muffled out. I shrugged and headed toward the skillet, watching the yellow pieces crumble over each other. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I faced her blue-green eyes and sighed before turning back to the skillet.

"I can grab you a bowl, Bella." I shrugged again and pushed her out the way and yanked at a chair before sitting.

"Can I have your eggs?" the little brat said next to me. I scowled at her. She just wanted everything, didn't she? Wanted my dad, my house, my room and_ my _eggs.

"Don't be so greedy. I'm sure your mother has taught you how to share." Bitter Bella internally smiled as Sarah dropped the green plastic bowl in her hands. Bitter Bella didn't have to take the fall for this one though; Good Bella did.

"Bella that's quite enough."

"Is it?"

The house guests fidgeted at our tense postures. My father squinted heavily at me, throwing down his napkin, "Well, I sure hope you don't have this attitude later."

"Later for what?"

He smiled smugly, as if he had some big hidden secret held over me, "My family is coming to town to meet Sarah after we go boating."

I froze, crossing my fingers, "What family?"

"Tanya, my parents and probably some stray cousins...Jackie..."

I zoned off after he said 'Tanya' and stood from my chair, "Well then, can we make this trip fast? I want to look my best for that psychotic bitch." Sarah gasped at my language and covered poor Sally Big Shots ears as my father stood with me. I stomped out the room, intent on having the last word.

"Why does she have to come with us? She's always mean and makes you sad..." the brat whined angrily.

I picked up a book and curled into a ball onto the recliner, _Trust me little Sally, I don't want to go either._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XOXO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hows your stomach?"

I frowned and looked up at Sarah, her thin glasses covering her blue eyes, "Fine, I wasn't aware anything was wrong in the first place." 

"I just figured you were on your period, "I glared at her indignantly, "You seemed more hostile than usual. Usually, you tend to keep your feelings bottled up. When Charlie mentioned his family, you freaked."

She sat on the couch across from me, "Wanna' talk about it?"

I crossed my legs and shook my head.

"I made tea." 

"Drink it."

She sighed impatiently and sat the tea beside me, "You might want to get ready, we're heading out soon." I closed the book and stared at her, unaffected.

"I'm trying," she said honestly. For a moment, I could feel my resolve soften. But in the back of my head, I heard my mothers cry and my imaginary shield snapped back up.

"Yeah? Me too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XOXO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't you hate being the last person? To anything? Cause' every ones eyes go onto that late intruder. Everyone focuses on you.

I walked slowly down the steps as everyone stopped talking.

A sultry blonde poked me as soon as I made my way down the steps, "My, oh my; if it isn't my favorite little cousin in the world."

I grimaced and forced my insides not to come spurting out all on her pretty pink shoes.

"Tanya." She hugged me tightly and fakely as her manicured fingers dug into my back. She smiled as she gave me a once-over.

"Sit!"

As several passing relatives gave me 'hellos' and 'how are you's' I tried not to cry for help. I knew none of these people liked me. They hated my mother, and now they loved Sarah.

"Bella, you are a fine young lady." Everyone hummed in agreement as they dug into Sarahs' cooking. I could feel Tanya staring daggers into my back.

"You must be fighting men off with a stick." my grandmother said faux lovingly. I smiled and blushed muttering a quick 'thank you'.

"Must have gotten it from me," Tanya said charmingly.

"Her boyfriend, Edward, loves her to death." Charlie butt in. I squirmed as they all 'oohed'. Tanya squinted at me, arrogantly. I looked down toward my macaroni and cheese, messing with the yellow goop of noodles.

"Edward? Edward Cullen?" I flinched at his name and she smiled daintily and mischievously, my stomach turned at the odd gesture."I know him."

I almost crunched the metal of the fork, "Really?" I ground out through clenched teeth.

"Yeah. But I mean, he sure didn't act like he had a girlfriend," she looked slyly at me, winking,"How long have you been together?"

Only another 30 minutes. Just a half an hour.

Two quarters of an hour.

I could do that. I could withstand her snobby comments; if I tried.

"I mean, we were friends awhile until Charlie allowed me to date, " I side glanced at my father, "So, 6 years maybe?"

"Funny, you didn't keep track."

And I knew she knew. I knew that she knew that I was living my whole life a lie. She knew, and she probably knew before today.

"How's the uhm...sex life?" My dad coughed obnoxiously and drank his water.

"This is my cue to leave. Why don't we leave these two be."

_No. Dad, I will be nice to Sarah. Just don't leave me with the daughter of Satan. Don't._

Everyone scurried around to the living room. And soon, seemingly before I could blink, there were two...

Tanya twirled her straw in her water as the ice cube danced around the glass.

She opened her pale pink lips to speak, "Quite some world you've been living in, huh?"

I mouth tasted like cotton this time, like she threw it down my throat, clogging my brain, "What are you talking about?"

She laughed evilly, "Don't play coy," she murmured, "Don't act like you don't know what's going must be seriously deluded, if you think that I don't know. When sweetheart, I've known the entire time."

My head was fuzzy, the yellow goop made me want to puke and my hands were shaking and sweaty. She knew I was alone.

"I remember,a certain day after your...brother died. I remember everything. I was there. I know."

"Are you guys thirsty?"

I squeezed my glass, shooting up from my chair, "Carol, could you give us a second?" Carol threw her hands up in mock defense and backed out the room.

"Psycho..." she tisked.

"You can't tell anyone. Please, Tanya." I pleaded pathetically.

"I don't know," she muttered, "I think it will be lots of fun to tell your dad. Or maybe Edward, " I flinched, "Don't think that I'm too nice to not tell him."

"You want to tell my dad? Go right ahead, "I told her angrily, "But please, don't tell Edward." I felt my eyes softened as I pleaded at the blonde devil ahead of me. She smirked, quite obviously thoroughly enjoying the attention.

"Why? It shouldn't bother you. After all that you did to him, all that...shit you put him through. He'll never be with you again. Your nice facade has been ruined."

"You don't know anything." 

"I know enough, "she said, shooting up from her chair to face me off. I'd never been one to resolve into physical violence, especially not with relatives, but she was grating on my nerves.

"I know a lot of things, Bella. You and your dad sure do have a lot in common." 

"I never did anything," I told her firmly. Though, the nagging part in my mind that was forcing bits of tears to fall from my eyes said otherwise. Denial was a heavy word that felt even heavier in my head because I knew I was in it; not her.

"I never said you did. Explain," she said, setting her water down and twirling her straw. Did anybody have a knife? Does anyone know how to kill someone without being blamed? I could go all Chicago on her and say she ran into my knife; because that makes sense.

"It was a stupid misunderstanding." I told her calmly. I was in the puking realm. My hands shake and sweat as she approaches me.

"Maybe Charlie will understand-"

All respect diminishes.

She frowns and juts out her lips in mock sympathy, "What happened that night, Isabella..."

"Alright! Enough with the 'talkity' talk, if you have to talk that much about sex, I'm gonna worry you're all addicts!" grandmother shouted. Sarah laughed as she brought a sip of liquor to her lips.

_Because we are all addicts. Because this family isn't dysfunctional enough as is._

I threw on a jacket and made my way out the door. I didn't know if anyone noticed as I slipped around on mushy Forks weather that clogged my driveway until I was into the middle of the street, on the curb.

I thought about Tanya, my mom, my dad...Edward. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to think about him. I never thought about him romantically anymore. I never thought about running my hands through his bronze colored locks, looking deep into his emerald green eyes, because that was not in my fate anymore. I had not allowed it to be.

He was my sinfully addicting drug that I had faithfully quit cold turkey. But now, as if all so fast, my past had dug back up to wring out its hands and begin to push me further and further into torture. As I kicked a rock into the other road sewer, I let my mind wander into unwanted territory.

To the night my mother packed her bags in a haste, throwing things around and screaming. Her deep cries ran up into my room, where I stood listening as she told my father all her insecurities and fears, and how they'd come alive. How she can't stand this town, these people; him. How she couldn't stand watching _her _walk around with both of her kids shopping for milk in the FastMart.

How it wasn't fair, how life had never favored her. She called my name, three times. As I hugged her, I could feel her tears running down on my pale cheek. And her tears combined with mine was a sad combination of terror, worry and confusion. I could smell her perfume, see her slightly dimpled smile an weak, blue, dead eyes as she told me goodbye. And I knew that she wasn't happy; I suppose that was why I didn't let her leave with me kicking and screaming.

But as I reached the brink of my thoughts into the night of my brothers death; I crumbled. Sobs raked through my body. My tears slid into the rugged denim of my jeans and I held tightly onto my ribcage for support.

So if you just so happened to be watching me on the curb of my house; next to the mailbox where Travis used to give cookies to the mailman; beside the driveway where my mother peeled out of in her hurry to leave me behind; across from the tree that me and Travis raced to climb; next to that old shed that me and Edward scrambled through for miscellaneous pieces to build Travis a club house; you would see me there, shedding 6 years worth of tears.

**I'll make you a deal.**

**I send you Kellan, Jackson AND Robert Pattinson with the price of ONE review.**

**It's a bargain.**

**But wait! If you click it now,**

**I'll throw in Peter too. (Especially if you have that thing for older guys.)**

**Cha-ching!**


	4. This Clock Never Seemed So Alive

_**Thank you everyone! I know that everyone is fidgeting and wondering and confused. I know you're just thinking, "What is the main point?" Every chapter will reveal something that you didn't know before. **_

_**She will start to get motivated and less emo over the summer thus causing her to want her old life back. She's going to want Edward, and she's going to try to fix her relationships and get over her brothers death and her mom leaving. Also, her dad cheating. The story will be more about the love with Edward though. Mainly, because she loves him just as much as she did when she was younger. Also, she doesn't want Tanya to tell him that she's basically been using him as a cover-up.**_

_**Also, the story doesn't have just ONE main conflict with Bella. There is Alice, Travis, her mom, her dad, Sarah, Tyler and Sally, Edward, and the one who knows everything and could easily use it against her, Tanya.**_

_**I know its a mouthful and still confusing in ways. But if you hang on, I promise you'll understand in time.**_

_**In a morbid kind of way, I guess you could thank my sickness. I took a day off school because of my throat. Since I can't speak, I chose to sit down in sweats,hair tied in a bun, my feet stuck in my UGGS and wrapped in blankets and my pink/purple robe with a cup of tea.**_

_**So, I dedicate this chapter to Chris; my math buddy that got me sick.**_

**Chapter 3: This Clock Never Seemed So Alive**

It has been 2 weeks.

I somehow managed to avoid Tanya for two whole weeks. For those weeks, I had spent the days thinking of nothing but _The Goonies_ on replay. I also managed to ignore Abby too. And though I felt the slightest bit guilty about it, her obsessive voice mails had made me feel as though I was right there with her. She had also stopped by twice so I knew she wasn't too upset.

In a way, I wish she did understand but since lately I felt so lost in myself, I didn't think about talking to anyone about anything. I knew she wouldn't take it seriously and it made me want to tell her because the last thing I needed was her sympathy.

I scarfed down some hummus as I sat in the old recliner. Dad was out with Sarah and the two devil children were home with me. I flipped through the channels as Sally popped out from the kitchen.

"Bella? I think something is smoking."

I cursed under my breath as I made my way into the kitchen. My slippers hit the tiled floor in anger and annoyance. Tyler, the 10 year old heartthrob, decided it would be smart to arm himself with a broom against the poor, defenseless soup that was running down the pot and making sizzling sounds as it hit the stove top.

Now the broom was covered in soup and smoking. I turned the nozzle to 'off', and Sally started to whine.

"The house is on fire!" she yelped. I turned to her and glared as she went to find her dolls, shoes and purse obviously intent on leaving the house. I grumbled around and grabbed the broom from Tyler as he shrunk back at my stare. I let the cold air in and smoke out as the wisks of the broom sparkled with orange and popped. I threw it out into the grass and shook my head, shutting the screen door.

I grabbed the rag of the stove and washed up and around the soup. I felt someone come up behind me.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Tyler muttered, "I didn't mean to make a mess or anything. The pot started to get covered with soup and I didn't want Sally to get all burnt up so I tried to stop it with the broom."

I didn't answer him. I shuffled things around as smoke spread through the kitchen. Angry at the stain that didn't come off the pot, I sighed and threw it down the drain.

"Are you mad?"

_Yes_, I wanted to say. I turned to face him. His hands were covered in something...I wasn't sure what and his hair was a moppy mess on his head. He sat in the stool, his eyes watery either from the smoke or me being unresponsive.

"Don't do it again."

He stayed quiet as I watched the beige color liquid swivel down the drain. I felt his breathing, labored and could almost feel the stickiness of his tears as he wiped his eyes. I could hear him trying to prevent from sobbing, holding his tears in causing the stool to shake.

"Why do you hate me?"

I felt bad. I'd never actually felt bad for anyone beside myself, Edward, my mother and my brother. No one else, in my mind, had a reason for me to be sympathetic for. Looking at the little boy in front of me actually brought up some dead feelings. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. There were too many tears and I wasn't about to watch him cry over me.

"No," I told him. His hazel colored eyes met mine in shock, "I don't _hate _you." He stopped crying abruptly and looked at me curiously as if I was going to go all out and spill my guts out to him like a typical misunderstood teenager. Instead, I patted his back awkwardly and stood.

"I'm going to watch some t.v," I said even more nervously,"If you want, you can watch it with me."

I grabbed a soda off the table and left the kitchen.

I could feel his soft footsteps from behind me.

I wish summer was actually _summer _in Forks. Like sunshine, rainbows, little dirty kids that smell like cookies running around, cars zooming by, flip flops and shorts, t shirts and tanks. Maybe it would heighten my mood.

Instead, the city of Forks was like a giant puddle of mush. I was trying to wash my truck, but every time I threw the water on it and ran to get the soap, it would be iced over by the time I got back. I somehow managed to make it work, scrubbing at the dirt at the bottom. I felt a hand tap my shoulder.

The thing about Edward Cullen was that he acted as if nothing ever happened. He acted like I was nothing more than a classmate who can't speak up. He slightly smiled, but his eyes weren't smiling at all. In fact, they were saddened if anything. My heart hurt. The air was so thick with raw tension that I could almost taste it on my tongue.

"This is for," his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, "Charlie. He asked me to bring it over yesterday, but I forgot." He hung his head thrusting the bucket of miscellaneous tools into my sudsy hands. He waited, staring at the floor as if I was going to say something. He pursed his lips nodding his head slightly and I swear he was inclining for me to say something but I couldn't. My mouth was dry again. Another part of my mind wondered if the water and soap was freezing on my truck.

He opened his mouth a couple times and my heart did flips. Bitter Bella was becoming a little less bitter because she thought she had a chance. In a twisted way, I wanted to be friends. I need something because I needed him in my life. If he was going to talk...then I was going to listen. I was going to have a conversation. I was going to speak.

"How have you been, Isabella?" He called me Isabella. I was still happy he said anything at all. My heart thudded and I swallowed twice, one to able myself to speak and the other to swallow down my fears.

"Good," I muttered. As weak as it may be, it was the first word I had spoken to him in years. It felt nice. My shoulders relaxed and I tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. He muttered 'good' and began to walk away. 

I watched his frame leave and I sighed. He was sad, and I was the cause.

"Who was _that_?" Sally said in awe. I chuckled and shook my head.

"Nothing but a memory now."

I sometimes wish that I had the dad that every other little girl had. The one you look up to, the one you tell everything to, the shoulder you cry on, the one who shoots the guy that hurts you and is there to pick up the pieces even though he was right the entire time.

The amount of..._hatred_ I felt did not diminish as years went on. In fact, in some ways it grew. I just had this way of hiding it, making sure that he thought everything was fine until I left to college. My plan was to lead him on to thinking we were father and daughter, we do everything together happy-go-lucky type of thing. Until one day, I would cut off. No phone calls, texts, emails... I wanted no part of him. No forms of communication whatsoever. I would leave him. I would make him suffer the exact same way my mother had.

I wanted a dad who I would consider to be my dad; a friend. People don't get what people can't be themselves and I, could never be any much better than him. But still.

He was supposed to be my dad. So, it irked me until the point of no return why he couldn't act like one.

I finished my truck earlier that day and my father returned shortly. He wasn't on drugs, but he was on a Sarah high. Charlie was always on a Sarah high when he came back with a smile on his face and a glint in his eyes. I remember how my mother always said that when that glint leaves his eyes, you know that he doesn't love you anymore. She always thought the glint was from her.

My mother and I, we had a very close relationship. I trusted her with everything. I knew she loved me and that would never change. She played as both parents. Not to mention, she also had an autistic child so it was much harder for her than anyone else. Some days, dad would be gone and we would feel like a real family. We would watch _American Idol _episodes together. Travis would sing along with the contestants and rant when someone he liked would lose.

But he never criticized anyone. Even when they forgot the lyrics, song off key...even in auditions. Travis would always clap for them. My younger mind got to me.

One day I asked him why he did that. Why did he clap when they can't hear them through the t.v? He just smiled and said, "God can hear me." 

I snuggled deeper into my blanket. A vibration sounded from under the blankets. I searched for my phone as a new messaged beeped:

_Are you avoiiding me?_

_D0r!toMonster_

I decided to take pity, because it was something I had been doing a lot of lately.

_Glad you noticed. I just want to be alone._

She replied instantly, obviously relieved at my response.

_Are you upset.?_

_D0r!toMonster_

I rolled my eyes and texted back:

_Suure._

Her instant response came within seconds.

_Give me a minute. I'm fiinishing my pickle juice. I'll be right over._

_D0r!toMonster_

I was dumbstruck, in awe; shocked. I had some aquaintances in my time. I don't think any of them would come over at 8 in the afternoon because I was upset. Other than Alice of course. _Flinch. Alice...Alice hadn't spoken to me in years. She had not been civil at all..._

"_After all that shit you put my brother through? Do you even comprehend how much that hurt him? Do you even care? Go to hell."_

I frowned at the memory and shook my head to try to erase it. I needed a hobby, all this thinking was driving me nuts. I obviously had too much time on my hands.

I didn't respond. How good it had been to have an actual friend in reach. _A friend._ A foreign word it was...

My phone vibrated again. My smile disappeared. Why was she texting me again?

_Unknown Number_

_I asked Charlie for your number._

_Hope you don't mind(;_

_Our conversation isn't over yet._

_Don't get too comfortable._

_Though, I must admit that your _

_attempts to avoid me are almost admirable, but futile nonetheless._

_See you soon._

My face paled and my thoughts ran back to me full force. No avoiding it. She was right. My fingers moved, and before I knew it, I had placed her under my contacts.

_**The Devils Spawn**_

"I hope you don't mind," Abby pulled out a tub of icecream and a bag of food from behind her, "but food always makes me feel happy so I'm definitely willing to spread the love here." She smiled childishly and set down the icecream, a carton of cupcakes, pudding cups, Doritos, a jar of pickles and some stray candy on the floor.

I looked at her in shock and curiosity, "I got it from my own personal stash," she explained. Her thin frame looked as if it couldn't even hold a single cupcake. She caught my look and scoffed, "Don't let the appearance fool you; I'm fatter than I look."

I got off the bed and flipped on the t.v. As I made my way to sit by her, I tripped over a pack of skittles. She giggled and spread her legs, wiggling her moccasin covered feet.

"Damn, you should come with a warning sign."

Her comments were becoming...slightly..._funny_. Which is weird. I was full of weird situations lately.

"So what are you watching?"

I silently pulled out my Goonies video tape. She gasped and clapped her hands excitedly.

"Oh my God!" she turned to the ceiling, "Sorry," she muttered, "I love _The Goonies._" I chuckled and she looked at me weirdly.

"Well...that's new."

I didn't understand what she was talking about and decided to let it go. I sat beside her trying to pick out the most least harmful candy for my system. She scoffed and threw me the skittle packet.

"So, why am I here?" I knew she was asking about why I was upset. Right now, I wasn't in the mood for long talks and tears. If I was, I would be crying over the message I got before she got here.

"I just.." I stuttered on what to say lamely. She chuckled and made her hands in a 'come on' sort of motion. "A lot of shit has just come up that's all."

"Ah, mon ami...did you try to run from your problems? No good, I tell you." She looked at me seriously and then opened her pickle jar, taking a big bite of the green vegetable. She hummed in contentment, "Still cold," I rolled my eyes, "You do that a lot you know. One day, I'm gonna hit you in the back of the head and you'll be stuck like that. Then, people will think I'm nice."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Me? Nothing. Unless you count my obsession with pickles...which some people might find quite...dirty." I resisted rolling my eyes and prayed. I don't know what for, I just prayed.

"I have to use the restroom."

"Why are you saying it so proper? Its your house! Just say you have to take a shit." 

I ignored her,"Just don't..._touch _anything." She put a cross over her heart.

"Nothing but my pickles...and maybe my Doritos if you don't hurry."

I made my way to the bathroom, turning on the sink immediately. I made my hands into a miniature bowl and splashed water on my face. I did this all the time. When I was nervous, tired or just felt odd. It made me feel rejuvenated.

I wiped my face and looked in the mirror. I was nothing entirely special to look at and I knew that. I remember when he used to call me beautiful...

I shook my head at my thoughts.

_I'm not going to break down again. You hear that, Swan? You already made yourself look like a wimp all today. You let that girl come into your home, you watched t.v with that housewrecking whores son and you cried all last night. Be a woman._

Bitter Bella was slowly deflating my ego. As I opened the door handle, I wondered if Bitter Bella was a sign of Schizophrenia.

"Who is the Devils Spawn, and why on earth is she sending slightly threatening messages?" I froze and looked down. What the hell just happened? My stomach hurt suddenly and my palms got sweaty.

"Fine, don't answer me," Abby snides, "Lets just put it this way: What bitch is about to get their ass kicked?" 

_**You know what I think? Abby is a pretty kick-ass friend. Suddenly, I want my own Abby. I'm almost certain that I could convince Banks to be more sarcastic, blunt and eat more pickles. & of course Doritos.**_

_**Review!**_


	5. But To Live Doesn't Mean You're Alive

_**Thank you for reviewing! I've been a bit out of myself lately so reading some of your reviews made me smile so big I thought my face would crack. So thanks on both counts!**_

_**I have a SLIGHT excuse to my absence. I'm not going to expand on it, (heard of counting the eggs before they hatch) but, it's pretty exciting.**_

_**Also, I made a Tumblr, which is basically a blog if you don't really know what it is. You can follow me on there if you'd like to see what exactly it is that I'm doing when I'm not updating.**_

_**So yeah...I have no clue why I feel so awkward today.**_

**Chapter 4: Falling To Pieces**

I never knew that Abby had a dangerous side. She always happy, smiling and seemed as though she could just bounce off the walls at any given moment. Her aura was just so peaceful yet energetic. She had this look that was so open almost like a book; I envied her.

Her face was twisted into fury; I thought her tiny hands would crush my simple flip phone. I wish that I could say something to calm her but my throat was tied into a tight knot. I couldn't speak. I think she didn't want me to. I think she wanted to be angry. I was so confused and angry and...I wanted to cry. But I wouldn't; that would be nonsense.

"Are you going to answer me? Who the fuck is this?" I flinched as she cursed and thrusts the phone into my shocked hands. Her eyes were so cold and hard. I was scared. I peeked at the message in a frown.

"Can we not talk about it?" I told her meekly. I cleared my throat and threw the phone on my bed. _Distractions...distractions...distractions...I wonder if there is any candy left? Do I have to work tomorrow? Maybe I should go to the beach._

She shook her head, "No," she says, determined. I looked at her in awe. How dare she?"I'm sick of being the _good friend_ who just lets you put this stuff off. Stop trying to run from it. Sooner or later, your gonna' have to tell me," she softened her eyes, "you might as well tell me now."

The seriousness of the situation, the weight of it, fell onto my shoulders. Soon, I was rapidly falling to the floor in tears again. Abby was right there to catch me and hold me as I cried and whimpered and spurted out details. Right now, I didn't care that I looked weak. I had _someone_.

"He left me...he left me here all alone," I started. I didn't actually know what I was saying or who I was talking about. Things just started to tumble out of my mouth uncontrollably. My hands shook as I gripped her shirt. She rocked me back in forth whispering soothing words, "I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve anyone. I was so mean. I didn't want him...I _hated _him."

"That night was what I wanted...he was in the way!" More tears fell from my eyes, and my body felt numb. In the back of my mind, my body was relishing this, needing to let this all out. My mouth just couldn't move fast enough and my throat wouldn't open.

"Who, Bells? Who?" she whispered encouragingly. I sniffled and gripped her even harder. She was my oxygen tank.

"Travis! He left me here, and I deserved it! Edward left me too, and I deserved that. Alice, Emmett and Rose. I needed them, but I pushed them away...I don't want to push them away anymore...I don't want to be alone!"

Sobs raked throughout my body, and that was the last of my speaking session. The only noise from me, was the soft whimpers asking for my brother.

I liked dreaming. When you dream, you can do whatever you want. You can mess up several times...over and over; none of it matters. It's like living in a world where no one judges you. Your very own Utopia.

I like nightmares too because they are _just _nightmares; not reality. You can wake up, have a drink of water and be fine.

I'd like to think that my life was just a huge nightmare, and soon, I would wake up and Travis would be stealing cookies off the counter then go to his room to pray to God to make sure that He forgave him.

Edward would be waiting at the door, giving Travis a hug and ask him if he wanted to play football or something later. Then Edward would smile and laugh at Travis's jokes. He would see me and hug me. I would tell Travis to leave. Travis would smile naively, and go do something else. Edward would berate me. We would argue. He would kiss me and our problems would fade the moment our lips touched.

When I woke up Abby lay next to me one hand still shoved in a bag of chips, the other around my back. My face was sticky, and disgusting. I could only imagine what I looked like.

Abby didn't stir. She snored and jiggled her arm, making the bag of chips rustle. I looked around my room at the tragic mess. The Goonies was playing; must have been on all night.

I stood, my feet wobbly and my body fully numb. I scurried into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub watching the wallpaper patterns. _Flower...flower...grass...flower...bee...sun...cloud...what the hell is that?_

"Yo," I jumped, eyes wide taking in Abby's figure. She rubbed at her sleepy eyes, "How you feelin'?" _Afraid, anxious, scared, angry...like complete utter shit._

"I'm fine, "I croaked. She walked over, setting the toilet seat down, plopping down on it with a sigh. She stared at me, her green eyes tired. _Green..._

"They change colors," she muttered, "It's freaky...sometimes I wake up and my eyes are bright blue." I felt envious again. I had plain brown ones and they couldn't even change to a prettier brown.

"You were..._crazy_ last night. I haven't heard you make that much noise since I met you." _Which wasn't long, _I had wanted to add. Instead I nodded.

She stared at me hesitantly. She was so careful as if she didn't want to break me. I was annoyed.

"I don't want a repeat," she started, searching my eyes, "I know you can't go into detail. Just answer me some questions."

"Why should I?" I snapped.

"Because from the looks of it last night, I'm the only one you have left."

She was right. So annoyingly right.

She flipped open her phone and sighed, "I have to go," she glared at my relieved expression,"I'll see you later; this conversation is not over."

When she left, I spent my time going over plans, reading books and figuring out the meaning of life. Not because I was interested, but merely because it was something to do. Sarah stopped by and dropped of Sally Big Shot who was sporting a giant lollipop and a polka dot dress. She stared at me expectantly a whole thirty minutes until she realized I wasn't going to play with her. She scooped up her dolls and placed them in order on the couch beside her; I scoffed.

Catching her attention, she squinted her eyes at me pathetically, "Why are _you_ so pissy today?" I didn't respond. My goal today was to not think. With that, I was going to not think about not thinking. It started now.

She whined again and sat down. I could still feel her stare. "Let's do something!"

"No," I told her stubbornly, "You do whatever you like, just don't expect me to join in the stupidity."

"It's not stupid, it's fun!" Was there a difference? The intelligence of the girl still shocked me though. I licked my lips as the fireplace crackled into the air, the red flames licking at the wood.

So we waited. A whole 2 hours of squirms and nervous glances until the doorbell rang. Per usual, Sally looked at me expectantly. I drew myself from the couch grumbling to the door.

The cold air chilled my bones, but it wasn't the only thing. Edward Cullen stood at my door, a meek smile on his face with a tinge of sadness and longing in his eyes. I blinked twice, tightly, to get thoughts out my head. Because, I wasn't going to think; at all.

He peeked at Sally and smiled crookedly, so real and genuine. Because he always loved kids. I knew that because I knew him just as well as himself. She giggled and walked up beside me. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place, but Edward didn't. He took it like a man, standing proud and calm.

"I'm supposed to come wait for Charlie? He and Billy are going to fix my car," he explained his eyes darting around.

"The Volvo," I expanded, feeling like an idiot. He nodded and smiled tentatively. I didn't speak, but the door squeaked as I opened it up. I walked over to the couch and sat. Sally followed me smiling up at Edward.

Edward saw and chuckled, "Who might you be?" She giggled and pulled on the end of her dress taking a lick from her lollipop.

"I am Sally," she said proudly. I was reading all the signals right, and Sally was absolutely smitten with him. They talked for a bit completely ignoring me which I took easily. His hate was expected.

Besides, it was not as if I could just come into the conversation and be audible.

"The house looks the same...it's almost eerie," Edward sighed. I glanced at him nervously and nodded. Talk, dammit.

"..."

"I'll be right back, I just have to put my dolls in my room!" Her room...scoff.

The tension was thick and disgusting, like I could cut it with a butter knife. Edward didn't smile this time. His lips were taut and angry almost. He was internally battling with himself. I couldn't help but watch his eyebrows move up and down and almost giggled. Edward was good-looking, so much so it was hard to be in the same room as him.

His lips were the perfect shade and slightly bow-shaped. They were full, but not too full. His jawline was structured and defined; sharp. I imagined gripping it with my hands and running the pads of my fingertips over his soft stubble. He finally faked a grin, "It's nice to see you again, Isabella."

"Why do you insist on calling me that? You know I don't like it, and you never called me it before...Could you just stop? Or not say my name at all?" I breathed in and didn't look at him. I bit down hard on my lips until I could taste blood. I immediately regretted my words. He sighed.

"What do you want me to say?" he growled, which was both enticing and infuriating. I glared at I'm defiantly.

"Nothing."

So he didn't, not for another hour until he eventually left.

When I laid down on my bed later that night, I couldn't help but feel...better. Like I felt more alive and more _there_; alert. I wasn't moping, but I wasn't happy either. I was just content. Like I had done something right. Seeing Edward today made me realize things...what I wanted.

It made me understand things, like how much I hurt him. It made me comprehend that thing that every ones' been telling me for years.

Travis's life was over; not mine. I wanted Edward and I was going to try my hardest to get him back, even if it meant as a distant friend. I needed Edward and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think he needed me too.

At my new confidence, I needed back-up. So I picked up my cellphone and called my one friend that I knew would help me. I was going to get my life back.

**For the percentage of you reading Back Then, I probably won't be updating that for awhile. Just haven't found what to write.**

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